Your Relationship - Your Choice.
Newsletter of M. Makael Newby, Relationship Coach, Author, Speaker, Sexuality Consultant
June 2010 - Vol 1, Issue 6
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Greetings!
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M. Makael Newby
CTA Certified Coach
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We're off to see the... officiant! Q and I are headed to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina for a week of vacation with our immediate families, and a small, beach-side wedding on the 16th. Thus begins a new phase of our relationship - stay tuned for photos!
In the meantime, I'll be checking email and returning calls only sporadically until the 26th. I look forward to hearing from you then!
Makael |
My Erotic Adventure Update & Expansion?
| As many of you know, My Erotic Adventure is the choose-your-own styled erotica that I wrote and published in 2009. What you may not know is that I repackaged it as The Belle and the Ball and pitched it to Kensington publishing as the first in a four-book series.
The agent was very interested, and it's currently under review! Subsequent titles - pitched as The Frolic in the Forest, a Pacific Northwest camping adventure, The Titillated Tourist, a European travel, and The Beast in the Bush, an African safari - are in early development.
I'd love to know what you'd love to read! The first book has 48 unique endings - and that's quite an act to follow. Please share your ideas and opinions on my Facebook Page or by email to info@myeroticadventure.com. (And keep your fingers crossed!)
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Polyamory - The ugly people's sex club?!
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Peter, on 08
September 2010, posted a blog about his opinions on polyamorous people all
being ugly, choosing poly because we need to keep our options open and
can't find that one right partner (more likely that they're out of our
league). My response follows his blog.
PETER:
"I've been suspecting something for a long time, so I'm just going to come out and say it.
I
think that all these people that are into polyamory on the internet
are all overweight and or ugly people that don't want to die alone and
so they want to get involved with one person, to stop that happening
while leaving their options open because they realise that they're
settling for something.
I kind of think it's like some weird ugly people sex club.
I
think the only reason to keep your options open is because you think
you're settling for something or what you're getting into isn't exactly
right for you. I think it's entirely possible to have all your needs
met by one person and if they aren't then you settled before you found
the right one.
Saying
I want to have the ability to fuck other people, is essentially,
exactly the same as saying.. I'm not going to be ok just fucking you
for the rest of my life.
I
think all of them would pack the polyamory thing in for the right
person. It's just, if my theory is correct, the right person for them
(in their mind) is sadly out of their league.
I justify all of this, by saying I've never actually seen an attractive person that said they're polyamorous.
I've
seen a couple that have never actually been in a polyamorous
relationship though, that said they'd be ok with it.. but I think that
would all entirely change when their partner turned around and actually
started banging someone else.
I think polyamory is the open, honest version of getting into a relationship and then cheating on your partner.
I
think the root causes are the same. I think it's all down to not
having your needs met on some level, but like I said, I feel if that's
the case then you should be dropping the person you're with and getting
with someone that does meet those needs and not getting into a
relationship and then continuing to look for that person while having a
fall back plan incase it never happens.
So there it is.
I'm ok with someone proving me wrong however. It's just I don't think I am."
MAKAEL:
Well,
that is certainly one judgmental way to look at things, particularly
for one who's never met a poly person to whom he was attracted. Your
opinion is... Yours, and you're entitled to it. So if you decide that I
look like a walrus, you'll use that as justification to ignore the rest
of what I'm about to say? Weak sauce. You can do better than that.
You are confusing Swinging with Polyamory, among other things. Here's a link to a blog I wrote in 2007 distinguishing the two.
As
a core point, however, you believe in One True Love Who Can Meets All
Your Needs (and, one must assume, ALL of whose needs you can also meet),
and I do not. Nothing I have to say will change your mind, nonetheless,
I'll make my points. (That stuff about us all being ugly is just
puerile and not worth my response.)
As
a relationship coach, and a non-monogamous woman who's wedding is one
week from tonight, I entirely disagree with your view that one couple
can (should?) be everything to each other, and that if you haven't found
THAT person, than you've settled. In my experience, it takes
extraordinary courage to truly admit to your passions and desires, and
create a partnership that allows your needs to be met. That is NOT
settling.
And
while we're on that point... Are you single or married? If married and
you believe that you've found that One person - Hooray for you! I
sincerely hope that your (very high) expectations continue to be met. If
single... perhaps you will find that one, someday. Keep looking for 10
more years, and then let's talk. And for your reading pleasure during that time, I offer: Love in the Western World, by Denis de Rougemont.
In
case you haven't noticed, the assumption of monogamy is not working...
largely, IMHO, because it is often an Assumption instead of a Choice. We
are so thoroughly inundated from a young age with the idea that
monogamy is THE way for sex in a marriage that most people never stop to
question whether or not that actually empowers, excites and works for
them!
The facts
are the facts: The divorce rate was 49% per the CDC in 2008. Infidelity
is rumored to run around 60% for men and 40% for women, and to be on the
rise among women (given the social stigma, it's VERY difficult to gain
accurate data on infidelity). We SAY monogamy, we TALK about our 'one
true partner', but that's not the way we live our lives.
Swinging
and Polyamory, forms of functional non-monogamy, happen with the
complete knowledge, awareness, and agreement of both parties in a
committed relationship. This is the opposite if Cheating, which is
defined by breaking agreements (specifically the assumed agreement of
monogamy), hiding, and sneaking around. That's why cheaters get CAUGHT.
Swingers and polyamorists don't get Caught because we've got nothing to
Hide!
In fact,
being this open about your authentic desires, and facing your own fears
and insecurities (like jealousy), can create an extremely strong bond
between partners. It can also teach you relationship skills that benefit
every area of your life, and every type of relationship you have.
AND
monogamy is a completely valid choice. For some people it works. As
does celibacy. I'll make my choices, you'll make yours, and we'll each
have our own opinions. Viva la difference!
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International Feature of the Month
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Beginning this month, I'll supply a link to an article about sex, sexuality, or alternative relationships outside of the USA. Switzerland kicks us off to a great start! Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?
Switzerland Confidential - Behold the legal sex drive-thru.
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Makael's Relationship Tip of the Month
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Freedom
What does Freedom mean to you?
If you're an American, you'll read about freedom in our Declaration of Independence. It's also front and center in our pledge of allegiance. But what is freedom in a relationship?
Many of us never take the time to ask or examine this question, and I find that unfortunate. Raised with the assumption that freedom is to be fought for and won, many of us place value on the nebulous 'concept' of freedom without inventing and creating real-time specifics that would actually make a difference in our lives.
Is it the freedom to be fully self-expressed? To share yourself completely, whether it looks good or bad to do so? Or is it the freedom to be weak - to admit your fears and failures? To dream big, and to follow your heart's passion, knowing that your partner has your back no matter what? To fail in your pursuits without fear of reprisal or rejection? To be loved? To let go of the past and open your mind to a new future?
A friend sent me the following comment, which is a perfect example of a personal freedom getting distinguished:
"She has a big thing about having her "freedom." The funny thing is she has never be able to articulate what "freedom" is for her. But now, through collaging, she's starting to see that it's the freedom to express her feelings and emotions to a man, something that [she] has been cut off [from] since childhood."
Too often, freedom is claimed as a reason to avoid commitment in a long-term relationship (EX: "I've gotta have my Freedom!"), but the freedom to express feelings and emotions, for example, is supported by exactly that type of commitment (as long as you choose a partner who also values that type of self-expression)!
The Freedom that I value, and that I've found with Quynton, is the freedom to be weak - to let down my 'got-it-covered', 'got-my-act-together' facade, and the freedom to follow my heart and my dreams, no matter how big or non-traditional, and know that he'll always be my biggest cheerleader. This is on top of the freedom to be attracted to and express desire for other partners, and to NOT force myself to meet all of his needs personally! It's priceless, and it's part of what makes him my ideal partner, even when he leaves a wet towel on the bed, or loses another of our water bottles, or acts like a total and complete ass. (Which, honestly, we all do occasionally.)
The search for freedom, of the undistinguished variety, is futile. How do you know when you've got it if you don't know what it is?
So I ask, what does Freedom mean to you?
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Thank you for reading! You can also view topical videos and listen to podcasts at www.mmakaelnewby.com. Your feedback is valuable! In order to provide the types of content that you want to read, I need to hear from you. If there's a topic you'd like to see discussed in the future, please let me know! I look forward to your partnership. Sincerely,
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M. Makael Newby
Your Relationship - Your Choice.
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