Your Relationship - Your Choice.
Newsletter of M. Makael Newby, Relationship Coach, Author, Speaker, Sexuality Consultant
April 2010 - Vol 1, Issue 4
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Greetings!
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April was an unexpected adventure as my fiance had an emergency appendectomy. Visit my blog to read about the lessons I learned about taking care of oneself while caring for a loved one.
Now that he's on the mend, I thought we'd focus on three (other) relationships that work, plus a little bit of art.
Stay tuned for a big announcement in May!
Makael
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Back to the Beginning
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I haven't always been a relationship coach. No surprise - it's the rare person these days who retires from the same career path that they began out of high school.
My first college degree is a BFA in Theatre. It was 1987, I was young and impressionable, and I loved to sing and dance, and to build things, as I soon discovered. However, while I may have classmates on Broadway, operating theatres around the country, and in major motion pictures, the lifestyle left me craving stability, and I thought I'd left it behind. Enter an unexpected alignment and opportunity!
I am now the Production Manager for Inviting Desire - a work of original theatre about women's fantasies that opens to Portland, OR audiences on May 14th. The ensemble cast surveyed over 100 women about their desires, fears and fantasies in preparation for the show, took the responses, and has crafted 15 original pieces plus several improvisations that will make you laugh, consider, and be glad you came.
For those not within driving distance of Portland, consider recommending this show to your local edgy theatre company. Our intention is to package the creative process to support other companies in creating their own original works, in a way that works!
Viva la sexual revolution! Pass my beret.
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A Story of Three Relationships
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Another one bites the dust... a celebrity marriage, that is, or at least the public perception of perfection. On the not-too-distant heels of Tiger woods' cheating debacle comes the news of Sandra Bullock's hubby, Jesse James, and his multiple extra-marital affairs.
But all is not lost in the world of high-profile, role-model, celebrity marriages... here are three examples of functional, loving relationships, each with their own unique flavor.
1) The (Semi-)Traditional - Amy Grant & Vince Gill
 Amy Grant and Vince Gill met in 1993 while taping an episode for Gill's Christmas show. Both were married at the time, and the Christmas show became a yearly collaboration as their friendship grew. Though they maintain that there was never any sexual impropriety during their marriages, their emotional connection was undeniable. Gill divorced in 1997, Grant in 1999 - and no, they were not in collusion at this point - and they married in March 2000 after a whirlwind courtship of less than a year.
Grant is one of the most influential Christian entertainers of her generation, and she took a lot of flak with the media for her divorce. Nonetheless, they seem to have created a successful family to include Gill's daughter from his first marriage, Grant's three children from her first marriage, and their own young daughter.
Some of what makes this monogamous marriage work is their willingness to learn from their previous marriages. Grant is quoted as saying, "You get into a second marriage and you go, Oh man, some of those weird dynamics, those were just me, and I've just dragged them off to the future! I shouldn't have been so hard on that first chapter!"
Knowing when not to talk, asking for support instead of resenting not receiving it, giving up being right for it's own sake, and getting clear on (and telling the truth about) your own motivations are some of the tips they use for creating a productive partnership. "A big reason why our relationship is so good," says Gill, "is that it begins with respect and kindness. If you have those two things on the front burner, then the rest is kinda easy." (Quotes from Good Housekeeping, Feb. 2010)
2) The Sexually Open Marriage - Mo'Nique & Sydney Hicks
 Mo'Nique, shortly before winning a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance in 2009's Precious, was profiled by Barbara Walters for her final Oscar preview show. Not only does she share her experience with child abuse at the hands of her elder brother, and why she doesn't shave her legs, she also discusses her third marriage to long-time friend Sydney Hicks - an open marriage.
Although she does not admit to having had sex outside of her marriage to Sydney, she strongly asserts that either of them could do so without ending the marriage. "That's not a deal-breaker," she says. "That's not something that we would say, 'Oh my God! Because you were attracted to another person, and because you happened to have sex, let's end the marriage.'"
By Mo'Nique's definition, an open marriage is one without secrets, in which you can tell each other your every thought and deepest fantasy, so that there are no surprises, and she credits this arrangement, her best-friendship to Sydney, and their deep knowledge of who they are for their ability to operate this way. "What if it's 20 times?" she asks, in response to Barbara's questioning of more than once. "So what?... I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."
3) The Emotionally Open Partnership - John Byrne, Tilda Swinton & Sandro Kopp
 Alright, technically this one isn't a marriage, as Tilda Swinton (Oscar-winning Best Actress for Michael Clayton) and her playwright partner John Byrne are not married, but given their twin 11-year old sons, and the fact that they've been together for 19 years, I'm inclined to include them. Here are some interesting facts about their partnership...
Byrne is 69, Swinton is 49, and Kopp, an artist, is 30. Two, and sometimes all three of them, live in a large, rambling house in Scotland with Byrne and Swinton's twins. Although Swinton and Byrne ended their marriage over five years ago, shortly after which Kopp entered the picture, they chose to remain living together, and both men play a major role in the children's lives. "We are all a family," she has said. "What you must also know is that we
are all very happy."
This is not, however, an example of the stereotypical polyamorous relationship - one with multiple emotional and sexual partners. "When you say you love
the father of your children and you also are in love with someone else,
they immediately assume you're all in bed together," Swinton is quoted as saying. "Maybe the unorthodox thing, it's
sad to say, is that we [are] all so
happy, and this comes as a shock to people."
I acknowledge and celebrate these couples, or triads, for creating relationships that fulfill them, and that will hopefully stand the test of time.
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Makael's Relationship Tip of the Month
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Purpose
We hear the stories all the time... Couple gets married, has kids, raises kids. Kids leave home, couple gets divorced. At first we might think that they grew apart over time, or couldn't reconnect to what made them love each other in the first place. Here's another view point to consider: Perhaps they fulfilled the purpose of their relationship. People build relationships in their lives for all kinds of purposes. My relationship with my accountant is for the purpose of supporting me in my tax obligations... not just for handling them, but for supporting me too. My relationship with some of my distant friends is for the purpose of coaching each other when one gets into a funk, for sharing fond memories, and letting the other person know that they're loved. We might talk once every six months, and that's enough to fulfill our purpose. Not all intimate relationships are life-long commitments, nor do they need to be. Some people are together to provide companionship during a challenging transition, some to educate each other on differing points of view, some to share new experiences, to create an experience of something that had been missing, or of what does not work. Some purposes, like that last one, may only be visible in your rear view mirror, once they are behind you, but others can be declared up front. My relationship with my fiance is for the fulfillment of our personal missions (mine is all people free to live the intimate relationships that inspire, and his is a world of peace and prosperity for all), for our continued spiritual development, and for playing in the world together. Now, I have had past relationships that were for incredible sex, and this is not one of those! We work through the challenges of a less-than fully compatible sexual nature without it breaking us up, because that is not what our relationship is for. As long as the purpose of our relationship is being fulfilled, nothing else poses a real threat. Our reason for staying together is clear and joyously binding. The process of finding your purpose may not always be an easy one. We're taught that relationships should look, and feel, and behave a certain way. Setting that aside, however, and looking at what truly matters to you most, may point you toward a purpose that provides stability and clarity in a world of chaos and wondering, and so I ask you... What is your relationship's purpose? |
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Thank you for reading! You can also view topical videos and listen to podcasts at www.mmakaelnewby.com. Your feedback is valuable! In order to provide the types of content that you want to read, I need to hear from you. If there's a topic you'd like to see discussed in the future, please let me know! I look forward to your partnership. Sincerely,
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M. Makael Newby
Your Relationship - Your Choice.
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 Free
Coaching
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Be your happy, healthy, fulfilled self with a FREE 20-minute sample coaching session. Do you need to vent to an impartial source; ask questions about non-traditional sexual relationships; or create a breakthrough in what's stopping you? Let's get started!
You set the agenda - there's no further obligation. This offer is transferable, so I encourage you to share it with friends and family. Email makael@mmakaelnewby.com or call 540.623.9542 to schedule an introductory phone call. Please mention this January Newsletter so I'll know how you found me!
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Offer Expires: 5/15/10
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